Valetudo (moon)

Valetudo is a moon of Jupiter that has fascinated astrologists for centuries. In greek mythology, Valetudo was the son of jupiter who decided to crawl up hades urethra. Hades then removed Valetudo by asking him an unsolvable riddle "What has eyes that don't cross, teeth that don't floss, and trees with no moss?". When Valetudo was unable to solve the riddle he lay awake in anguish and auto-erotically asphyxiated himself in a jar of milk. The milk then turned to cheese, thus starting the myth that the moon is made of cheese.

Galileo once described Valetudo as "the most beguiling of all jupiter's moons, I lay awake many a night examining its figure. It would take an immense groaning to take off my unfettered edge for this moon. My rump is wet for this moon." The moon of valetudo since went unnoticed until the Reagan administration when it was determined to be an immense source of gnomes needed for the manual labor which would be required to fund the Iran-Contra scandal. The gnomes were extracted via the "gnome suction method" developed by Werner Von Braun and Pablo Picasso whilst conducting their thesis on gnome anatomy at El Instituto de Bar Amigos under the instruction of Don Eladio.

The moon of Valetudo was determined to have a fascinating elliptical orbit around both Jupiter and the astonishing gravitational mass that is the head of Alex Jones. It is believed that the blood pressure of Alex Jones can be quantitatively modeled after the orbit of Valetudo.