Talk:Jumbo

PVGA notes

I have read through the first four sections, not including the lead. I don't want to go any further just yet, because it took a lot of work and I'm presuming that many of the issues I've raised below are probably present throughout the article.

• The birth location: the source that I can read tells me where the animal was "probably" born, but that there are many other locations that have been suggested. You match this level of certainty when talking about the specific location, but you also state unequivocally that he was born in East Africa. Do the sources agree with your level of certainty about that? Do they state that he was definitely born in East Africa and definitely not anywhere else?

 Done

• The same source (Harding) says that the hunters who captured Jumbo were a Beja tribe, not "Arabians". Does Chambers differ on this, and does he specifically use the demonym "Arabian" (that is to imply foreigners)?

 Done

• Is there another word you can use that is clearer than "parade" in the sense that you've used it? The primary meaning of "parade" is different to the sense you've used it.

 Done

• ..."by way of" is not so clear as well, since it requires a lot of deduction from the reader. It would be clearer if you explained exactly what you imply – that Jumbo had to be taken overland from the Red Sea to the port on the Mediterranean.

 Done

• ..."attention from people" might be simpler than "human attention". Just a suggestion.

 Done

• Grammar on the next sentence: either "the government found that the living conditions in the Jardin were very bad" or "the government found living conditions in the Jardin to be very bad".

 Done

• Don't start a new section with a descriptive replacement for the subject's name. "The little elephant" should be replaced with "Jumbo" at the start of the section "London Zoological Gardens". I know that you're trying to avoid naming him until the story gets to the part where he is actually given the name, but it can be confusing to readers who start reading from this particular section.

 Done

• The word "lame" should either be linked or its meaning explained, or even replaced with a simpler description. The word "gift" is ambiguous, it might be better if it were replaced with "talent".

 Done

• The next paragraph has some accuracy issues. I'd be interested in knowing how the sources describe the naming derivatives, but they don't look like reliable sources on etymology. Before getting to that, the statement "For Africans" is a pretty obvious generalisation; that needs to be addressed. According to the English Wikipedia, the expression derives from maamajomboo, unique to the Mandinka. The description you've given seems doubtful without some more relevant, anthropological sources. It might be better just to skip going into that much detail.

 Done

• The syntax in this sentence needs adjusting to be absolutely clear that it was only the whiskey that is part of the medicine: "He also drank several pails of water and a gallon or two of whiskey — if Scotty felt he needed some medicine."

 Done

• That quote at the end of this section ("an almost incredible delicacy of touch") is a bit too complex for a VGA. I suggest replacing it with an indirect quotation.

 Done

• "[H]ad a mind of his own" is an idiom. Explain it in literal terms. "[G]et rid of" is a phrasal verb. Try to avoid those, since they're really not simple English.

 Done

• "America" is ambiguous. I suggest using "United States" to be absolutely clear and specific.

 Done

I have some general observations, but please remember that it's very difficult to keep reviewing a VGA proposal if the content changes significantly during the process.

• The tone is sometimes a bit strange. There are parts where it's almost like reading a narrative rather than an encyclopaedia. It can be seen in sentences like "Jumbo was gentle and friendly with everyone", "Jumbo roared when one abscess was pierced", "It was not to be", "...their beloved Jumbo", et cetera. There are some instances where it looks like accuracy may have been accidentally sacrificed for narrative style (e.g., "Barnum wanted Jumbo more than he wanted any other elephant in the world because Jumbo was the biggest elephant in the world").
• There were some parts where I felt that the detail was a bit excessive. The description of the surgery and recovery in the 3rd section was the first instance, but there were others. The dimensions and descriptive details of the crate in which he was transported, for example. It can be just one sentence that pushes it over the line, although it often ties in with the issues of style and tone. The actual length of the page is not a problem, although some sections could use splitting into level-three subsections.
• There are a few paragraphs that don't have inline citations at the end of them. Where does the information in these come from?
• Most of the world is not likely to know how much "two hundred pounds" is. It needs a conversion into SI units (kilograms in this case) per WP:UNITS, and the figure "two hundred" should be in numerals as per WP:MOSNUM. Bushels and gallons will also need conversion, but you first need to figure out whether it's U.S. customary units or imperial units that you're specifying. The convert codes for the former are USbsh and USgal, for the latter it's impbsh and impgal... Two U.S. bushels is 70 litres, two imperial bushels is 73 litres. Or, since it's not exceedingly important for us to know exactly how much oats he ate, you could instead just write "two bushels (around 70 litres) of oats".
• There are a lot of images on the page, which is okay, but they need to conform with WP:MOSIMAGES. Depending on the screen resolution, there are some spots that might force text to be squashed between two objects. You may find that removing just one or two images might free up some space. The illustration of Angela Burdett, for example, doesn't add a whole lot for the reader and its caption is trivia. The photo of the river, also, is probably better left to an article about the river itself.

 Done

• "Setit River", "dry season", "Samuel Baker", "hamstrings", "Suakin", "Leopold", "Beatrice", and "publicity" should be linked. Several words might need to be linked to Wiktionary or explained: "glands", "inflamed", and "erupting abnormally". The links to rampage and temper tantrum might better be replaced with links to Wiktionary entries.
• wikt:sever lead to nothing (although "cutting off" might be simpler replacement that wouldn't require linking). Also leading nowhere are wikt:abscess, wikt:traumatize. Please check to see whether there are any others later in the article.
• Trunk needs disambiguating.

Osiris (talk) 09:12, 15 October 2013 (UTC)