Talk:The Lightning Thief

As of 14 December 2014, this article is a very good article. (compare to current). This means the community feels this article is written very well. You may see the vote that promoted the article here.

GA review

• It is the first novel written by author Rick Riordan for children and teenagers. - Is it his first novel, his first novel for kids or his first book at all. That could be clarified.
• released - I'd rather use published.
• The film was released... - The film was first shown... is easier.
• protagonist - Should be linked
• Foreign language editions section needs some work. There are redlinks in the prose which is a no-go.

Please note that this is onyl a quick review with some notes, not really a complete in-deep GA review. -Barras (talk) 11:38, 6 September 2010 (UTC)

Thanks for the review.

• First three completed.
• About "protagonist" - there is no SimpWikt entry for it. The word is explained in parentheses, however, I will also try to write the wikt entry for it within the next few days.
• I will also try to simplify the foreign language section. Could you expand upon the redlinks? The only ones I see are one in the infobox and two in the refs. Should these also be removed?

Once again, I appreciate the review and any future comments. PrincessofLlyr ^talk 01:34, 7 September 2010 (UTC)

Determined that redlinks were impractical to create and removed links. PrincessofLlyr ^talk 01:40, 7 September 2010 (UTC)

Of course I would neglect to realize that SimpWP actually has an article on "protagonist". I have also now created a simpwikt entry, but the article link is the one I used here. PrincessofLlyr ^talk 01:55, 7 September 2010 (UTC)

Sorry, I didn't mean redlinks, I mean the weblinks in the prose. That's happens when I do things in rush. Sorry for the confusion. Weblinks are the no-go in prose. To the protagonist entry, feel free to create the wikt entry and I take a look for proper formatting of it later. -Barras (talk) 08:54, 7 September 2010 (UTC)

Hmm, if you're talking about the OCLC links, that's how they are supposed to work, unless you want us to change it to references? Pmlineditor ∞ 09:00, 7 September 2010 (UTC)

<-Hmm, about protagonist, I don't see why we should link to wikt as it's already been linked to an article here and explained in parentheses. :) Cheerfully, —Clementina talk 09:20, 7 September 2010 (UTC)

I just re-read the article and made one or the other edit. It looks fine now exempt of the weblinks in the last section. I myself am not a fan of weblinks in prose at all, no matter for what reason. I'd suggest to make them either references or, if people don't want it as references, use <span style="plainlink">[http://... 1234567]</span>. Do it the way you prefer, but as of now it doesn't look nice with the little symbol next to the link. -Barras (talk) 10:38, 13 September 2010 (UTC)

I have converted them to references. Cheers, Pmlineditor ∞ 11:05, 13 September 2010 (UTC)

VGA review

A quick scan shows that the formats for the dates in the references are inconsistent. The Rambling Man used hate that.--Peterdownunder (talk) 11:40, 6 October 2014 (UTC)

Fixed, thanks. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 11:57, 10 October 2014 (UTC)

Comments

Here are my comments while reading the article.

• There's overlinking problems (Poseidon, ADHD, dyslexia, Athena, The New York Times)

• Wouldn't it be simpler to say "more than 1.2 million" than "over 1.2 million"?

  Agree, changed. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 11:46, 10 October 2014 (UTC)

• It's The New York Times not New York Times

  Changed. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 11:46, 10 October 2014 (UTC)

• There's no need for references in the infobox, that's usually done to extinguish dubious reports from other editors
• "He tells Percy that he has the ten days until the summer solstice to find it." you can remove "the" from this sentence

  Done. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 11:46, 10 October 2014 (UTC)

• Disabilities, disguise, prose, choppy, praised, electrifying, humorous, allusion, depiction, wry, impatient, academically, bluntness, acquired, helm, are not simple words.

  Striked out ones which I explained in the text or linked to Wiktionary. Of the ones not handled, prose is a BE850 word and academic & acquire are part of the Academic Word List, so I'll probably look at those later. I'll create wiktionary entries for the rest. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 11:46, 10 October 2014 (UTC)

• "leaves him half dead" - could be changed to "leave him almost dead" or something similar.
• Reception could be changed to "Feedback"

  Is feedback simpler? It's not on any basic English list iirc. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 11:46, 10 October 2014 (UTC)

• Reviews should be linked
• Common Sense Media is not a publication, therefore shouldn't be italicized

  Done. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 11:46, 10 October 2014 (UTC)

• What's a starred review?

  Explained. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 11:46, 10 October 2014 (UTC)

• Film needs to be changed to movie

  Do you mean film adaptation --> movie adaptation? Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 11:46, 10 October 2014 (UTC)

These are my comments, will revisit after you have address my concerns. Best, .jona^talk 23:25, 6 October 2014 (UTC)

Comments

• fantasy/adventure - Is the use of the forward slash correct? Does the MOS have anything about this?

• first youth book - Is Book for children simpler? (or does it mean something different?)

  Changed to young-adult which is more appropriate (and we have an article for it too). Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 09:46, 20 October 2014 (UTC)

• mortal - although more precise, would human not be simpler, seeing as that is what the link takes you to?

• so that a war between the Greek gods Zeus, Poseidon and Hades will not happen. - Maybe simpler as: To stop a war between the Greek gods Zeus, Poseidon and Hades (although this may be more ambiguous, so I understand why it is as it is currently)

• The Lightning Thief was first bought by Bantam Books in 1997, then sold to Miramax Books. - Maybe Bantam Books bought The Lightning Thief first, then they sold it to Miramax Books.

...or even leave out the word "first" -- it's not really needed. --Auntof6 (talk) 19:38, 19 October 2014 (UTC)

• It has appeared on The New York Times children's Best Seller list. - It was on the.... Also, when was it on the list - assuming it is no longer there?

  Fixed. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 09:46, 20 October 2014 (UTC)

• Among other awards, it was also one - Grammatically this doesn't quite make sense. Maybe It has won many awards. For example it was one of...

  Modified the order of the sentences talking about awards in the lead. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 09:46, 20 October 2014 (UTC)

• making up stories - Inventing is simpler, I think

"Invent" doesn't sound right to me. Maybe "write" or "create"? I don't think "make up" is that bad. --Auntof6 (talk) 19:38, 19 October 2014 (UTC)

• who was found to have ADHD and dyslexia a short time before. - Who has ADHD and dyslexia. Maybe it would be useful to include the age of the child.

  Changed, age added with reference. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 09:46, 20 October 2014 (UTC)

• second grade - This should have a link to whichever education system it refers to.

  Done. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 09:46, 20 October 2014 (UTC)

• bedtime stories - Is this simple? Maybe you could paraphrase? (Stories before he went to bed/sleep)

  Done. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 09:46, 20 October 2014 (UTC)

• wanted him to make up stories - Same as before - invent.

  Invent sounds kind of weird in my opinion. As Auntof6 says, maybe I'll change this to create. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 09:46, 20 October 2014 (UTC)

• stories of his own - Is this simple? It may be easier to just say new stories.

  Agreed, changed. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 09:46, 20 October 2014 (UTC)

• He made up the story - invented.

• to write a book about them - Who does them refer to? This isn't clear.

  Changed. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 09:46, 20 October 2014 (UTC)

• Riordan had completed the story - maybe Riordan finished the story.

  OK, changed. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 09:46, 20 October 2014 (UTC)

• Agents - Could do with a link.

  Done and article created. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 09:46, 20 October 2014 (UTC)

• After it was published on July 28, 2005 it sold over 1.2 million copies. - Maybe It was published on July 28, 2005 and it sold over 1.2 million copies.

Or even make this two separate sentences instead of a compound one. --Auntof6 (talk) 19:38, 19 October 2014 (UTC)

• Split to two sentences. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 09:46, 20 October 2014 (UTC)

• The book was sold in hardcover, softcover and audio editions. - Is a book sold in hardcover (etc.)? Are these terms simple enough?

  Linked; was sold changed to had x, y, z editions. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 09:46, 20 October 2014 (UTC)

• multiple - many.

  Changed. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 09:46, 20 October 2014 (UTC)

• I've just noticed, the release date in the infobox (June 28) does not correspond with the publication date (July 28 - used at least twice so far). Is this normal? If not, it needs checking and changing accordingly.

• fantasy/adventure - again, maybe check use of the forward slash.

• humorous - maybe add (funny) in brackets.

• thrown out - I don't think it is simple. Link or explain in brackets (or change the words?).

• Trip - Is this simple? Link, maybe?

• As they drive - When they drive (to avoid the multiple meanings of as).

• sparkles - is this simple?

• Percy is moved into - Maybe there is a simpler way to say this?

• Percy is attacked by the children of the war god Ares - Children of the war god Ares attack Percy.

• healed - needs linking or explaining.

• Zeus had made an oath - Zeus made an oath

• Poseidon had broken the oath - Poseidon broke the oath. (also, maybe this needs explaining, e.g. he didn't respect the promise)

• Percy is then told to find - told by whom?

• Zeus's - Zeus' (as used previously)

• Zeus discovers that Poseidon had broken his oath - had>has

• as they - When may be less confusing to non natives.

• pit - Is this simple?

• to slip his hooves out of them - I think this needs simplifying.

• Percy reaches New York City - Percy arrives in NYC

• where Olympus is now present Who or what is Olympus? Link or explain.

• calls out - Not that simple... Maybe just calls?

• He goes to another school found by his mother - This sentence is a little weird. Maybe you could rephrase?

• Percy soon finds out - Percy soon learns

• disabilities - link or explain

• to find Zeus's - Zeus' as before

• prevent - Link? Explain?

• Camp-Half-Blood - This is hyphenated differently in the previous section. Check the correct format and be consistent.

• nurse - explain in brackets maybe

• quest for Zeus's - Zeus'

• A satyr disguised as a boy and Percy's best friend - It could sound like he is disguised as Percy's best friend. Maybe and he is Percy's best friend.

...or make it separate sentences. --Auntof6 (talk) 19:38, 19 October 2014 (UTC)

• to find Zeus's - Zeus'

• The leader of the Hermes cabin at Camp Half-Blood. He is the counselor of the Hermes cabin - Repetition. Actually, I suggest you start the description of all the characters with He is... or She is....

• However, it criticized some parts of the book. They described... - You are using two pronouns (it and they). I think you should be consistent and use one or the other.

• rip-snorting - although this is a quote, it is complex. Other quotes may also be complex, but not too much. However, the example I have noted may need explaining. Wry is another complex word.

Note: Although we need to keep quotes as they are, if they need explaining, it's acceptable to insert notes into them inside single square brackets. --Auntof6 (talk) 19:38, 19 October 2014 (UTC)

• I see there is inconsistency with capitalization of first words in quotes. I don't know what MOS says (needs to be checked), but in academic writing I would suggest no capitalization of the first letter.

Wouldn't this follow the same rule as for capitalization of sentences in general? That is, capitalize 1) proper nouns and 2) the first word in a sentence (either a sentence in this article or a sentence in the quote). --Auntof6 (talk) 19:38, 19 October 2014 (UTC)

• Chicago Public Library Best of the Best Books List - Chicago Public library is italicised. Why? Also, Best of the Best Books list is not italicised, whereas the NY times best seller list, further above, is italicised. This needs to be checked in the MOS, and adjusted accordingly.

• and was the Red House Children's Book Award Winner (UK), 2006,[22] Askews Torchlight Award (UK), 2006,[23] and the Mark Twain Award (Missouri Association of School Librarians), 2008. - There is a problem with this sentence. Maybe use the winner at the beginning (and was the winner of the Red House Children's book Award, the Askews award, and the Mark Twain award).

• and a The New York Times Notable Book - I don't know whether MOS will have anything on this, and although TNYT is the full official title of the publication, grammatically, you should drop the The to make it work within the sentence.

• acquired - Bought?

• helm - Lead? Direct?

• Logan Lerman acted as Percy Jackson, Brandon T. Jackson - Percy Jackson and Brandon...

Also, please say "played" instead of "acted as". --Auntof6 (talk) 19:38, 19 October 2014 (UTC)

• Jesse Bernstein - A link would be nice.

• riotously - Same as above; it is contained in a quote, but could do with explaining.

• spellbound - same goes for this.

• "Although some of Jesse - Capital. See comment further up.

• received well - Is this simple enough?

• The French edition was known - Is known as.

• The German name of the book was - was > is

• Comma needed after Brazilian and Hebrew.

These comments only refer to the linguistic side of things. I haven't the time to check the content at the moment - maybe someone else can do this. The comments I have made are suggestions only, but I think changes made according to these would help readers of the article. Good luck! Yottie ^=talk= 17:45, 19 October 2014 (UTC)

Mostly handled. The only one I have not done is link Jesse Bernstein who probably doesn't meet WP:GNG. Pmlineditor (t · c · l) 14:48, 25 October 2014 (UTC)